Last night at 1:00 a.m. I sat at my window and listened to the woman across the street who sobbed “No, no, no” for 40 minutes. The night before, at epee fencing, I couldn’t get a guy to back up, or even stop advancing, not in six bouts. To try and stop getting pushed off the back of the strip I stepped close to him, toe to toe, hoping he would back up. Instead he hit me on the side of the head with his sword guard. Yesterday afternoon, one of my four semi-stalker guys in town met me walking down the street and went to pains to pleasantly reinforce that, yes, he still wanted sex.
Usually that sort of stuff doesn’t bother me. Or rather it comes under the “usual crap” category. Now, I feel like I am in some sort of Beckett play and the only themes available are going to be pathetic loss, despair, failure or death. Today a man who could only move one arm and one leg went out of his way to hold open a door for me. I felt sad. Because his consideration confused me; because he was so aware and particular in his concern of ME and yet there seemed no way in the few seconds to understand, articulate, and leap the gap between us as two individuals.
I don’t know what is going on. Linda uses the word “implode.” I wish I could see things funny right now. Linda told me tonight about a couple we knew, they broke up after more than 10 years together. “50% of marriages end in divorce” I told her. “You know the other half...they end in death.” Ha. Ha. Ha.
For some, inner darkness is about a slow sinking into the abyss. For those like Poe, it is a very noisy, crowded place. I think I am going the route of Poe, especially as I have a crow which follows me when I go out walking. Linda’s seen him. I hope it is because I’ve feed him once, otherwise, I am pretty sure having your own black crow hopping down the street after you isn’t a good portent.
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6 hours ago
6 comments:
Personally I would consider having a black crow following me a good portent, but I guess that's just me...
I've had my share of semi-stalkers (sometimes not so "semi"), and I never know how to respond to it, it seems.
Earlier in my life my own sinking into inner darkness was usually a very noisy and explosive affair, but as I got older or wiser that has changed, for better or worse I still don't know.
It seems like you're feeling really vulnerable right now, Elizabeth. I think all of us go through this at some point; it just seems that the whole world is turning to shit.
It'll be OK. You'll get that guy to back up, work on your fleche.
Listen to Love's Recovery by Indigo Girls too, I listen to that song every time someone I know breaks up, it seems like. Keep in mind though that just because they were together for a long time doesn't mean that they were truly happy or that they belonged together for the long haul. I'm sure that it was painful, and the concept of a change like that is hard to get your arms around, but it might be the best thing for them both. Time will tell.
Cheer up, you!
first of all, i totally just noticed that you blogrolled me! wow. i'm like still-not-at-all-famous! second, who wouldn't want their own pet crow? i mean as long as it stayed in the sky and didn't actually need pet-like care? its kind of like a goth superhero symbol, no? i think you should have a picture of a crow silkscreened on your epee uniform...you'll be a whole different kind of badass. i promise.
I've actually cheered up a bit - sorta - since deciding that I need a new career path: assassin.
I figure that I will take charge of my life by acquireing the skills to be an assassin - I haven't work out how I am going to get paid if I don't actually want to kill people, or hurt them - but I think there will be a lot of bonus epee crossover - okay, maybe it's not a GOOD plan, but it's still a plan, right?
Okay, Me P.L.--step away from th'crow...ye are about t'embark on a grand adventure with Moby Clit, the Great Pink Whale.
Ummm, Assassin...can I join th'club?
Elizabeth, please don't feel alone or unappreciated. Americans are suffering for the actions of a few inbred, country music, bible thumping Flat Earthers, but we will prevail.
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